Sunday, March 28, 2010

Society Doesn't Ask Questions, But I Do...

picture: my cousin Josh and I as little kids.

sometimes under the influence of Ambien (before I am knocked out to sleep) I have these great Epiphany moments and sometimes I'm smart enough to write them down and I had this one saved in my phone

"society doesn't ask questions but I do and that's why I'm being haunted by things that have no answers"

I have always been someone, even as a little kid, who asked a lot of questions and didn't accept answers that didn't seem legitimately logical. As a kid, I was raised as a catholic, my parents are pretty religious underneath their exterior (they aren't religious radicals and they won't preach to you but they go to church every Sunday and they practice Christianity to its fullest extent.) as a kid I went to church every Sunday as well, I went to CCD classes and I always hated it but it wasn't because I just found it boring, its because as I got older I found I disagreed with so much of the church and what the priest was saying every Sunday. I remember as a little kid they were teaching us how to pray and they were telling us that basically you are talking to God and if you listen hard enough you will hear him respond. I remember sitting there, and "talking" to God and I told my mom "he's not answering me" and I was SO confused, I didn't get it. they said if I talked, he would answer. and of course he didn't, not in a legitimately logical way and that's when I first started realizing what religion was and what role it was going to play in my life.

I sometimes feel guilty for not have faith in religion, when I'm sick (well I'm always sick but when I'm actually in the hospital) and someone wants to pray or the priest wants to come bless me, I just can't do it because I feel guilty if the only time I pray is when I need something. Its supposed to be a give and take relationship with God not just a take and beyond that there is a part of me that thinks "what if I'm wrong? what does that mean?"

but that is where the "haunting" comes into play; religion for me is something I will never have the answers too. I can't accept religion on the basis of faith, I need concrete facts. I have always wanted and respected concrete facts and answers. Its why I love reading about dead famous people (Howard Hughes, Andy Warhol, Richard Nixon, Hunter Thompson) you get real concrete facts after people have passed away, especially Howard Hughes all the investigations they have done on him and psychological profiles and biopsies -- you would never get any of those answers when he was still alive, and most of the research of his life would never have been able to be done as well.

I suspect my fascination and need for concrete facts and answers is another reason why I love Interior Design (which in all real senses is truly Interior Architecture. - I can build a house if I want I would just have to have an architect sign off on my drawings) I love codes, I love knowing that I have to have 4" from the door jamb to the door swing. I love knowing that all standard dimensions of a door are 3' wide and that light switches are standard 6" from a door jamb. A lot of people in design hate codes and all that little stuff, I'm always the only one in my class that ever likes them - but there is just something I love about it.

but again, I am haunted. for someone who loves, needs, respects and wants concrete facts and answers I was diagnosed with a disease that has NO answers. They have no idea what lupus is, what it really does, and how it does it. They know how to treat it but they don't know how to cure it its just this big question mark and I think its just so ironic that of all people - I get it. Its a little too poetic isn't it?

society doesn't questions, but I do, and I'm haunted by it.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I wish.

my wishlist for life. for today, for tomorrow, and for everything else.
due note i am under the influence of sleeping pills that arent working so just be forewarned.

1. I wish I was one of those people who fell asleep the minute they hit the pillow, i hate, despite having a plerthera of sleeping pills to my availability i still cannot sleep but in fear of some kind of overdose I always stay strictly in obedience of the prescrption rules.

2. I wish I had a ton of money, or at least, I never had to worry about money.

3. and in that money wish, i wish i could eat out all the time, not for the sake that i dont like to cook but i always hear about these really great restaurants in seattle but i never go because i really dont have the money to go to them.

4. i wish i had great legs. of all body parts i think legs are the sexiest and i definitley dont have them, even if i tried and worked out really hard the way i'm built, i have big thick legs and i dont find them sexy in anyway. not to mention im ridiculously white (because i cant tan in the sun) and i bruise ridiculously easily on my mediciations - i look like i get beat up on the daily.

5. i wish i had perfect health.

6. i wish i had my own car again, its starting to annoy me that i dont have my car when i want it. my sister tends to have first priority, if she wants to make plans after work she can because she alreayd has the car. and then if i have things i need to do and it messes with her schedule she gives me crap - which pisses me off. its MY car. and sharing a car with her is becoming a problem for me trying to volunteer for habitat for humanity and finding a job

7. people would understand what health care reform truly means.

8. i could think of more things to list so i could end on number 10 but i cant. so tough.


Monday, March 15, 2010

I dont feel like blogging but I feel like story-telling.

pictures: from my Cousin Jonathan in Scotland again.

Mood: relaxed but anxious
Current Annoyance: I am somehow starting to catch a cold or get sick, its minor right now just a tickle in my throat thats making me cough a little I've had two bottles of Emegen-c already so I'm hoping I can nip it before it turns into a real cold!!

Pat on my back: I fixed my toilet all by myself!! I'll tell the story below, its actually pretty funny. I was so proud of myself though! It was broken for a whole day!

Music: Magnet - Lay Lady Lay

Television: The Office - Pearl I wish you loved this show, I feel like your missing out on good laughs and smiles

Quote of the Week: "I have always been intrigued by all things international. The Women, The Pancakes, The Man of Mystery." Michael Scott - The Office
Food: I had a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner, it always sounds better than it ever really is. then I had some applesauce, with my emergen-c.
Drink: Orange Juice, and 2 bottles of Emergen-C I'm on the right path, right?!
The Toilet Story
So were going to skip what actually happened to the toilet, I think you can figure it out! haha So anyways, I flush the toilet and the water goes EVERYWHERE. I don't mean it overflows a little and stops running I mean the toilet is litterally running, and running, and running, I immediatley grab my shower rug and everything and throw it into my bedroom and grab towels to block the water from hitting the carpet thats right by the door to my bedroom (the door to my bathroom is just a pocket door and just has a small metal strip from the laminate to the carpet)
so I freak out, the water is litterally ankle deep in my bathroom and the dogs are trying to play in the water and I don't have time to try and punish them or get them out so, knowing NOTHING about a toilet and only knowing what i've watched on TV (quite frankly what I'm remembering from a 'Sex and the City' episode when Aidan is moving out of the apartment) I take the top of the tank off the toilet I somehow just try and grab something and I pull up on something that stops the water from running.
I call my dad to try and figure out what to do but his toilet is apparently different than mine and he's trying to tell me to click things and pull things that dont exisit in my tank, so I take a picture on my cell phone (thank you technology) and send it to him but its too dark so he tells me how to turn the water pump itself off, which saves me and I start messing around with all the nothing that is in the tank (its really a big tank for having so little in it, now I know why people hide things in their toilet tanks!)
So dad's advice fails even after seeing the picture I send him on my cell phone, And I spend 2 hours trying to mop up the water on the floor, using ten, YES, TEN, towels and ringing them out in the tub and reusing them to mop up more water and using a cup to scoop up water and pour it out in the tub my arms start burning from the weight and strength my hands are raw from ringing the wet towels in my hands and i'm pissed because the toilet is STILL broken.
luckily we do have two toilets in the apartment so midway through all this when I had to use the toilet, I was still able to do so in my sisters bathroom.
the main problem was that I didnt have a plunger, but I got disgusting and that toilet was empty of nothing but water. but the toilet still just wouldnt flush down - after this point I start looking stuff up online, I was hoping to find specs on the toilet but the toilet was from 1994 and their website didnt have anything on their older models but I did find a website that talked about using dishwashing soap and hot water - So I tried that but nothing helped.
so I went and got a plunger today, now it would seem like no big defeat if I used the toilet and it worked right away but it took me like 45 minutes! and when I first turned the water back on the water went all over the floor again so I had to deal with that all again.
but when the toilet actually did flush - I was so proud of myself!
I hope I didnt disgust you with my story : )

Thursday, March 4, 2010

i'm a stranger in the day

PICTURES: courtesy of my cousin Jonathan in Scotland, he recently graduated as a photographer and does really awesome photography - being in Europe usually just gives him more interesting pictures in general but it had been awhile since I had talked to him and looked at his website and found a lot of really great shots so I think my next couple posts will be photos he has taken, but i couldnt choose just one to share this time.
Listening to: Norah Jones - Turn Me On. for some reason I used to think I hated Norah Jones and I dont know why because she has really beautiful music and its really calming, its great to do homework too. (which i always need mellow music for.)
Watching: hollywood squares. (dont ask me how or why im watching TV, Listening to music AND blogging. not to mention also Facebooking.) I love the GameShowNetwork (GSN) its all the old gameshows (pyramid, regis millionarie, jeopardy) and they are totally dated but still so interesting to watch. I love millionarie when it was with regis.
Complaining: I have the worst back pains lately, I have this horrible knot in my back, my uncle (hes a physical therapist) taught me a trick to get rid of knots but its hard to do by yourself so it helped a little but not the way its supposed to. i want to see if i can get a doctors note for a massage, i dont see why i couldnt i feel like its completely valid for someone with lupus. i want a physical therapist massage anyways (not like gene juarez) i'm just hoping the insurance will pay for it, that would be sweet :)
annoyance: our ondemand has never worked with our digital cable so the cable guy came today and we ended up finding out we cant actually order anything from ondemand unless we have a landline phone - what the hell?? this makes NO sense, i've had digital cable before and always only had my cell phone. the guy didnt really seem to know why this is a "rule" i really hope it somehow has to do with communications (like the wiring) because otherwise its really stupid, people would spend so much money ordering movies and programs they are loosing out.
Eating: nothing right now but i made hamburger pie tonight that was improvised with what little food we had in our fridge it wasnt too bad, i was hungry so i ate it. haha.
drinking: good ol' h20, i feel really bad because I really believe in sustainability and green living but when it comes to water bottles i drink so much more of it if its in a disposable bottle. I have tried buying water bottles i never like them (i think it has to do with how the water comes out of the bottle.) but its bad to reuse the disposable bottles (something about the plastic...) BUT i much prefer to drink more water. I drink a minimum of 3 bottles and most days I ONLY drink water (i barely touch diet coke anymore! even at restaurants i've been good!)
okay the blog part.
I just had the weirdest day of doing the strangest things all day. So I'm not a stranger in the night the way Franky sings about it but a Stranger in the day for acting so strange.

1. I woke up at 9am.
2. I cleaned the whole apartment before noon
3. I cooked a real breakfast (hashbrowns and eggs with my lovely cocktail of morning pills)
4. I ran out of things to do after I ate and cleaned that I started deep cleaning (not just wiping down the counters and putting away clothes, i pulled out the bleach and organic cleaner!)
5.well by this time the cable guy comes which is always really awkward to me, so i randomly decided to find things to do in my kitchen so I started cleaning our stove top (took out all the grills and soaked the little round things that catch your food that always get really dirty.)
6. for some reason we have like 4 different sets of salt and pepper shakers. I have these hula dancing ones I bought when I moved out on my own the very first time, we have these ones left over from xmas, we have these ones I stole from the dennys in vancouver and then we have what the salt and pepper comes in when you buy it from the store. so i combine all of them together and get this - I WASH AND CLEAN every single salt and pepper shaker. NO IDEA why.
7. I realized we have had the same bag 10lb bag of potatoes in our cuboard since we moved in, it had grown so many sprouts it was grossing me out so I decided to peel, and chopped ALL the potatoes, I chopped them into French Fries, Scalloped Potatoes and HashBrowns and now they are all frozen in our freezer, i'm not sure if it really works this way but I figure thats pretty much what they do when you buy frozen potatoes anyways, we will see how it ends up working out...
8. I cleaned my bathtub with bleach. while i was in it on my way out of getting out of the tub. nakey and bleach apparently scream "clean!"
9. I reorganized my tupperware, the tupperware we dont use.
10. i dusted inside my closet. there wasnt really any dust in there.
11. i didnt vacuum. I vacuum almost everyday and the one day I go cleaning crazy, I don't vacuum.
I can't believe I ended on number 11.