Society Doesn't Ask Questions, But I Do...

picture: my cousin Josh and I as little kids.


sometimes under the influence of Ambien (before I am knocked out to sleep) I have these great Epiphany moments and sometimes I'm smart enough to write them down and I had this one saved in my phone



"society doesn't ask questions but I do and that's why I'm being haunted by things that have no answers"



I have always been someone, even as a little kid, who asked a lot of questions and didn't accept answers that didn't seem legitimately logical. As a kid, I was raised as a catholic, my parents are pretty religious underneath their exterior (they aren't religious radicals and they won't preach to you but they go to church every Sunday and they practice Christianity to its fullest extent.) as a kid I went to church every Sunday as well, I went to CCD classes and I always hated it but it wasn't because I just found it boring, its because as I got older I found I disagreed with so much of the church and what the priest was saying every Sunday. I remember as a little kid they were teaching us how to pray and they were telling us that basically you are talking to God and if you listen hard enough you will hear him respond. I remember sitting there, and "talking" to God and I told my mom "he's not answering me" and I was SO confused, I didn't get it. they said if I talked, he would answer. and of course he didn't, not in a legitimately logical way and that's when I first started realizing what religion was and what role it was going to play in my life.



I sometimes feel guilty for not have faith in religion, when I'm sick (well I'm always sick but when I'm actually in the hospital) and someone wants to pray or the priest wants to come bless me, I just can't do it because I feel guilty if the only time I pray is when I need something. Its supposed to be a give and take relationship with God not just a take and beyond that there is a part of me that thinks "what if I'm wrong? what does that mean?"



but that is where the "haunting" comes into play; religion for me is something I will never have the answers too. I can't accept religion on the basis of faith, I need concrete facts. I have always wanted and respected concrete facts and answers. Its why I love reading about dead famous people (Howard Hughes, Andy Warhol, Richard Nixon, Hunter Thompson) you get real concrete facts after people have passed away, especially Howard Hughes all the investigations they have done on him and psychological profiles and biopsies -- you would never get any of those answers when he was still alive, and most of the research of his life would never have been able to be done as well.



I suspect my fascination and need for concrete facts and answers is another reason why I love Interior Design (which in all real senses is truly Interior Architecture. - I can build a house if I want I would just have to have an architect sign off on my drawings) I love codes, I love knowing that I have to have 4" from the door jamb to the door swing. I love knowing that all standard dimensions of a door are 3' wide and that light switches are standard 6" from a door jamb. A lot of people in design hate codes and all that little stuff, I'm always the only one in my class that ever likes them - but there is just something I love about it.



but again, I am haunted. for someone who loves, needs, respects and wants concrete facts and answers I was diagnosed with a disease that has NO answers. They have no idea what lupus is, what it really does, and how it does it. They know how to treat it but they don't know how to cure it its just this big question mark and I think its just so ironic that of all people - I get it. Its a little too poetic isn't it?



society doesn't questions, but I do, and I'm haunted by it.